“Slow and steady really can win the race”

Top or Bottom, done right, a bit of upbeat lovemaking can set your day (and headboard) to new angles.

But it gets old, really fast, when it becomes predictable.

Truth is after a while we learn the tricks to our partner, the pressure points, the sensitive areas. And we get comfortable. But sex should have passion! And routine is anything but.

However; before toys and having threesomes (see my post on THAT here) you might want to try some gear changes.

Sounds simple but we can forget how much some slow, tender, kiss-by-kiss, sensual, deep and panting “notebook” sex can drive you both utterly crazy. Remember you are a sexy fucking beast and you can give him the night of his frikin life if you put your mind to it. Going slower is about confidence.

Listen to his body. Master it. Then set your imagination free!

“Threesomes are NOT a solution”

Its not like it is on PornHub.

Mainly because, in porn, the three men sweating away are pretty much strangers to each other (no matter how convincing their acting may be).

To have a threesome in the real world is to introduce a strange third party into a previously monogamous, committed relationship.

Therein lies the danger.

Here’s three things to check before you even THINK about bringing it up:

1.) Is this really what you need?

If you really want to be in love, to be loved and to have a balanced relationship; this arrangement doesn’t really make sense. Is there anything else going on that could make this a little less casual?

2.) Why would he say yes?

If he (your boyfriend) says yes to a threesome, you should probably think about whether he is saying yes because he genuinely wants one, or yes because he wants you to be happy. Both can be messy, but the latter will bring out shades to him later that you will not be able to undo as easily as a belt…

3.) How is your relationship?

Is this a fun ‘one-off’? Is it an arranged regular thing? Can your relationship take it? I’ve seen countless friends walk into the threesome scenario, when they’re a bit bored with their relationship and instead destroy the thing all together because it caused so much jealousy and misbalance and confusion to one, or both, parties.

Do you need a Threesome. Or do you need to talk?

“Surprises are …

“Surprises are best little and often”

I’d say once a month max.

Get him a little surprise. Nothing major; you don’t need to take out a loan.

A box of his favourite sweets with a piece of paper saying “Surprise”, A DVD to watch together, A cheap pair of cosy socks.

Small and sweet.

It’s about small tokens of affection. We can get so comfortable in a relationship that our partners can sometimes forget what it is to be special.

These small tokens will show them we still want them to feel wooed (and makes us feel good too!).

The benefits ALWAYS come back 😉 in one way or another…

 

“It’s a sexuali…

“It’s a sexuality NOT a species”

Straight people have many of the same anxieties and issues that we experience in our own relationships, dependancy, distancing, emotional background trauma, daddy issues, mummy issues, consciousness, over confidence and self-deprecation issues to boot.

We are lucky because where straight couples will often airbrush their unresolvable differences with “it must be a boy-thing/girl-thing” bullshit; we know that those issues in our gay relationships are just plain old ugly incompatibility.

Equally many gays have waited such a long time to come out that by the time they do meet their first few boyfriends the intensity leads them to want to move in together immediately and have babies. We treat it like this is uniquely a gay thing, completely disregarding the fact that this is what our straight friends wanted to do with their first girlfriends too. Only difference was they were fourteen at the time and it legally couldn’t be done!

We may have sexual experiences in different ways, may even develop at different times but we are all human with human issues. Believing our straight friends don’t have the capacity to relate is like them believing we don’t.

We’ve learned certain things early; (remember how ridiculous the drama was with Sarah? you TOLD her not to lie about wanting a relationship with some random player; then watched her turn psycho when he didn’t return her drunken texts…)

They’ve learned certain things early; (which is why she was sceptical when you said you were moving in with Aaron; despite not having met his family yet or learned his middle name)

We’re playing the SAME game.

Just different teams.

We need each other.

“Save something…

“Save something for Love”

So you’re going to get lucky.

On a night out, after your first date, maybe even after a few dates.

You may end up doing this quite a few times till you find someone you actually want to have a relationship with. And when you do you should have something EXTRA to give away once things are getting long term. I’m talking about love.

It’s a principle that I actually got from my Catholic upbringing. I NEVER had intercourse with anyone who I wasn’t in a committed relationship with. Ever.

Even though at times I really wanted to give it a go, especially if the guy was really hot. But I didn’t. And boy am I glad!

It means that the intercourse I have had has been truly special and has helped deepen those relationships (avoiding every joke). It has made them special.

I’m not saying wait until you’re married, but just keep something back for the long-termers.

Believe me it’s worth it.

“You can be TOO…

“You can be TOO political”

Until you are elected “Grand overlord of Supreme Gay lore” then the views you hold are your own, and not that of the Battyland community.

Before you wave a flag, before you sign a petition, before you march or chant or riot.

First you are an ambassador. For YOUR OWN experience.

By being alive, admitting your feelings and following your heart you are representing yourself. Not just who you are now, but everything you have gone through to end up at this point.

Sometimes you will come up against people who disagree with your lifestyle, who do not see your sexuality as you see it because their experiences have been different and SOME of those people will also describe themselves as gay.

Before you storm-troop your first date with your opinions, and statistics and experiences; you may wish to listen to his. Understanding where his ideals come from may help you decipher his understanding better, may even inform your own.

Countless guys I know end ‘gay’ debate before it begins by being too firm with their beliefs to listen to other opinions. You don’t have to AGREE, but listening is a fundamental part of sustaining a flow of conversation.

If you can’t discuss a broad subject with anyone who doesn’t already agree entirely with your point of view; maybe you should stick to twitter.

“Unique is a troublesome word”

“Unique is a troublesome word”

You.

You have spent a very long time working on the person you are. Whether deliberately or not; the many years you have inhabited this planet you have been developing your opinions, interests and abilities  which has made you the distinguished person you are today.

Distinguished does not mean Unique. It does not always mean best dressed, sexiest, funniest, smartest, quickest, tallest or fastest. It just means defined. Recognisable. Indentifiable.

Somehow (and the method is not quite clear) we often manage to get the idea into our heads that we are SO unique, SO different that there is no way to find ANYONE who can tick all of our boxes.

So we settle. For less than what we want, for treatment lower than we deserve; because we believe it is the best we can expect.

Well, sugar, I’ve got a little wake-up call for you.

You are a product of the age you live through, the social ladder you grew up in and the tv shows/books/plays/games you encountered along the way and if you believe all of the things I just mentioned were not exposed to countless others; you aren’t being realistic.

OF course there are MILLIONS of people with your sense of humour, THOUSANDS with your opinion of what makes a good partner, HUNDREDS of them with the same top played albums on their iPod and countless of them single, gay and interested in someone just. like. you.

Until you find someone who makes you feel happy COMPLETELY, who you UNDERSTAND and who understands YOU.

Until you are completely happy. Until you make them completely happy.

Don’t you dare settle for less.

“Love is too pr…

“Love is too precious to test”

Let’s face it, sometimes you are going to feel insecure.

Whether his ex drunk texts him or you walk in on him wanking to porn or you go over a week without having sex.

Although each one of those little things may make you feel the foundations of your world quake a little; you HAVE to remember he is a HUMAN BEING.

It is not a crime to be fancied by someone else. It is not a crime to masturbate and sometimes people are just tired/are having a stressful week/are self conscious they haven’t had a chance to trim themselves.

ALWAYS take the PERSON into consideration. Don’t let your friends, or even this blog, make you feel like there are universal RULES to being in a relationship. Everyone’s is different. As long as you feel loved and respected and most of all VALUED, you shouldn’t let your insecurity get the better of you.

Don’t resort to tests and experiments to see if he REALLY gives a shit. Nobody wins and you will probably end up screaming in each others faces when you should have just have spoken about what it is that made you feel insecure in the first place!

Love is supposed to be a game FOR two. Not AGAINST two.

Talk; don’t test.

“Tops are not S…

“Tops are not Straight”

If they were the same thing they wouldn’t have two names.

You may be good at sport, you may not be very camp, you may even be so nerdy that nobody really knows what you are.

But you aren’t straight.

Don’t liken your bottom boyfriend  to a woman, don’t publicly mock his effeminate traits to highlight the absence of your own and don’t try to raise your “straight” status by recounting close calls with members of the opposite sex.

Just like the bottoms of this world, the sight, smell and idea of all things vagina makes you want to run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

And ignoring that vital fact is going to make it very embarrassing when you’re crying into your varsity jacket like a little girl when he leaves you…

“Grindr is not …

“Grindr is not a dating application…”

It means nothing.

He doesn’t value you. You don’t value him. If the only thing you knew about a person was what they had been doing that day, what time they were getting home and the colour of their pubic hair it’s probably not right to expect them to shed a tear when you part ways.

A hook-up is a hook-up. It’s short, its sweet and it’s simple.

Grindr is a HOOK-UP app. It was designed as a HOOK-UP app and until the day it stops listing your proximity in feet and allowing you to send your current location with pin-point, alley-way accuracy it will always BE a HOOK-UP app!

Want to make LOVE? Get your conversation off Grindr ASAP, keep it in your pants and off your camera roll, meet up, grab a drink, get food, expect to talk to each other and if you still WANT to kiss him after all that then maybe you can call it a date.

Until then you’re just two strangers who flashed each other over the internet.